• My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
• Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
• The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
• The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

Wise Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying.  He calls his grandson to his bedside, “Guido, I wan’ you lissina me.  I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns.  How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”

“You lissina me, boy!  Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.  Whatta you gonna do then?  Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Times up’?”