WITTICISMS

WITTICISMS

WITTICISMS

No one is ever old enough to know better. 

Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today.

Character is what you are, reputation is what people think you are.

Everything comes to those who hustle while they wait.

If you never make mistakes, probably no one would ever have heard of you.

The easiest way to make those around you happy is to be happy yourself.

I have often regretted my speech, but never my silence.

The best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

Just one person saying to me, ‘You’ve made my day!’ makes my day.

Being kind is more important than being right.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment.  Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is…”I don’t need to write that down; I’ll remember it.”

WITTICISMS
Cape Comedy

Cape Comedy

THIS STUDENT OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM! I would have given him 100%!  Each answer is factually correct, and funny, too. This teacher had no sense of humor!


Q1.. In which battle did Napoleon die? 
*His last battle

Q2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? 
*At the bottom of the page

Q3.. River Ravi flows in which state? 
*Liquid

Q4.. What is the main reason for divorce? 
*Marriage

Q5.. What is the main reason for failure? 
*Exams

Q6.. What can you never eat for breakfast? 
*Lunch & dinner

Q7.. What looks like half an apple? 
*The other half

Q8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become? 
*Wet

Q9.. How can a man go eight days without sleeping? 
*No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? 
*You will never find an elephant that has one hand. 

 Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have? 
*Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? 
*No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Cape Comedy
WITTICISMS

WITTICISMS

Occasionally draw on your command of the language by saying nothing.

Silence cannot be misquoted.

The greatest of all faults is to imagine that you don’t have one.

If you smile when things go wrong, you probably know who to blame it on.

Life is like a roll of toilet paper – the closer I gets to the end, it the faster it goes.

Ignoring the facts does not change the facts.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

God didn’t do it all in one day, what makes you think you can?

Give more than you gain and you’ll have more pleasure than pain.

A good scare is often worth more than good advice. 

WITTICISMS
Cape Comedy

Cape Comedy

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin! 

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class save Congress!

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians!  

A government big enough to give you everything you want is strong enough to take everything you have!    — Thomas Jefferson

You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity!

What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving!

The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else!

You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it!

When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!

Cape Comedy
WITTICISMS

Witticisms

When your reputation breaks down, there is no place to get spare parts.

Spaghetti can be eaten most successfully if you inhale it like a vacuum cleaner.

I have noticed that nothing I never said ever did me any harm.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

You’ll do more things that count if you don’t stop to count them.

Greener pastures often have higher fences.

If you don’t like the way life looks, change the way you look at life.

Wouldn’t it be better if we could get old later, and wise a little sooner?

People with horse sense know when to say nay.

Witticisms
WITTICISMS

Witticisms

The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn.

Reputation is valuable, but character is priceless.

Dumb questions are easier to handle than dumb mistakes.

Make new friends, but keep the old ones; one is silver & the other is gold.                        

When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask them how to get off of a mailing list.

The difference between genius & stupidity is that genius has its limits.

Try as often as possible to smile – it is the key that fits the lock to everybody’s heart.

Among mankind’s most effective medicines is a sympathetic ear.

Count your age by friends, not years…count your life by smiles, not tears.

Some troubles come from wanting things your way, others come from being allowed to have it.

When we get too busy to think of others, we are too busy.

Witticisms

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