Cape Comedy

Cape Comedy

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

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“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain

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“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

Cape Comedy
WITTICISMS

WITTICISMS

  • When you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
  • A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
  • The less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
  • Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
  • No one is ever old enough to know better.
  • A grudge is one thing that doesn’t get better when it is nursed.
  • An error becomes a mistake only when you refuse to correct it.
  • Listening is a kindness anyone can show.
  • Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car
  • The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without it.
WITTICISMS
Cape Comedy

Cape Comedy

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.

“That depends, Sir, “ said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

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“He had delusions of adequacy .” – Walter Kerr

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“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

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“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow

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“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

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“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas

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“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

Cape Comedy
WITTICISMS

WITTICISMS

  • I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
  • You should never say no to a gift from a child.
  • No matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy 
    with.
  • Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
  • Money doesn’t buy class.
  • The older I get, the better I was.
  • To ignore the facts does not change the facts.
  • The easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people who are smarter than I am.
  • Everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
  • No one is perfect until you fall in love with them. 
WITTICISMS
Cape Comedy

Cape Comedy

Cape Comedy

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.  A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, ‘Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

The birch replies that he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, ‘Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.  Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’   

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, ‘It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.  It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.’

Cape Comedy
WITTICISMS

WITTICISMS

WITTICISMS

No one is ever old enough to know better. 

Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today.

Character is what you are, reputation is what people think you are.

Everything comes to those who hustle while they wait.

If you never make mistakes, probably no one would ever have heard of you.

The easiest way to make those around you happy is to be happy yourself.

I have often regretted my speech, but never my silence.

The best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

Just one person saying to me, ‘You’ve made my day!’ makes my day.

Being kind is more important than being right.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment.  Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is…”I don’t need to write that down; I’ll remember it.”

WITTICISMS

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