- When all the cars in Miami are laid end to end…it’s the weekend.
- Some chores have to be put off a dozen times before they slip your mind.
- The newest thing in women’s hairdos is men.
- Some people are so addicted to exaggeration, they can’t tell the truth without lying.
- The thing I don’t like about parking is the noisy crash.
- Some people are so indecisive, their favorite color is plaid.
- You know why it’s called horse sense – they don’t bet on people.
- I’m 94 & don’t have an enemy in the world – the last one died a week ago.
- The problem with staying home from work is that you have to drink coffee on your own time.
- A protest march is like a tantrum, only better organized.
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”
They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?”
“I lied about my age,” Bob replied.
“What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”
Birds have bills, too, but they keep on singing.
Those who roll up their sleeves seldom lose their shirts.
It isn’t our position, but our disposition that makes us happy.
Good character, like good soup, is usually homemade.
Feeling more ignorant every day means you’re learning.
Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore.
I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
The cure for crime is not the electric chair, but the high chair.
The best attitude is to have gratitude.
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
- When you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
- A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
- The less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
- Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
- No one is ever old enough to know better.
- A grudge is one thing that doesn’t get better when it is nursed.
- An error becomes a mistake only when you refuse to correct it.
- Listening is a kindness anyone can show.
- Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car
- The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without it.
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.“
“That depends, Sir, “ said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
“He had delusions of adequacy .” – Walter Kerr
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain