Comedy — because we can all use a chuckle

Comedy — because we can all use a chuckle

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’

TEACHER: No, that’s wrong 

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

*******************************************************

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? 

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about? 

DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

*******************************************************

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago. 

WINNIE: Me!

*******************************************************

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? 

GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

WITTICISMS

WITTICISMS

  • Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
  • An unusual amount of common sense is sometimes called wisdom. 
  • A hint is something we drop, but seldom pick up.
  • Anything worth doing is going to take longer than you think.
  • You don’t know what you know until you find out what you don’t know.
  • One way to be happy ever after is not to be after too much.
  • Grandma’s cookies didn’t need preservatives, they didn’t last long enough.
  • On anniversaries, even if you forgot the past, don’t forget the present.
  • A good friend is one who listens after asking “how are you?”
  • Treat your friends like family & your family like friends.
  • Blessed are those who give without remembering & receive without forgetting.
  • Learn to laugh at yourself so you’ll always have something to make you happy.
  • We make a living by what we get – we make a life by what we give.
  • Of all of your fancy attire, a smile is the most important.
Comedy — because we can all use a chuckle

Comedy — because we can all use a chuckle

One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.  Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?” 

We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.

Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said. 

But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.” 

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also.” 

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and children with me!” 

Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place.  The grass is almost a foot high.

Comedy — because we can all use a good laugh!

Comedy — because we can all use a good laugh!

*FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER*
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!

*FREE PUPPIES*
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

*FREE PUPPIES 2*
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

*COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED*
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

*JOINING NUDIST COLONY*
Must sell washer and dryer for $100.

*WEDDING DRESS FOR  SALE*
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

*FOR  SALE BY OWNER*
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, $200 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married, wife knows everything.

*Statement of the Century*
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker–Billy Connolly.  “If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”

Witticisms

Witticisms

  • Income tax – it’s a fine for reckless thriving.
  • A Good boss takes little more than his share of blame & a little less than his share of credit.
  • A desk is a wastebasket with drawers.
  • The art of politics is making people like you no matter how much it costs them.
  • A bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush, but it’s messier.
  • He is usually mistaken at the top of his voice.
  • The main problem with teenagers is that they are just like their parents were at that age.
  • If you don’t know the score, you can be pretty sure you’re behind.
  • If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea….does that mean that one out of five enjoy it?
  • If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?  
Comedy — because we can all use a chuckle

Comedy — because we can all use a chuckle

*OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES*

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L

TEACHER: No, that’s wrong.

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

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