Actual Quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’ – Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’  – Eleanor Roosevelt

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then, she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante