Cape Comedy

Cape Comedy

Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’ 
Boy:  ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’ 
Girl:  ‘Well, that’s because we aren’t married yet.’ 

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A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’ 
‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A  FORTUNE!’ 

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A wife asked her husband:  ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’  He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humor!’ 

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In my many years, I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress!  — John Adams

Cape Comedy

Cape Comedy

Cape Comedy

You know you’re a redneck when……

 You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

 You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

 Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

 You burn your yard rather than mow it.

You think “The Nutcracker” is something you do off the high dive.

 The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

 You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.

 You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

 You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Cape Comedy
Cape Comedy

Cape Comedy

Cape Comedy

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino.  She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”  With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed.  “Yes! Yes!  I won, I won!”  She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”  The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”

MORAL OF THE STORY: Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men…are men!

Cape Comedy
Wacky Witticisms

Wacky Witticisms

Wacky Witticisms

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

Friends are those rare people who ask how you are and then wait for the answer.

A joke is like sex – neither is any good if you don’t get it.

Trouble knocked on the door, heard a laugh and went away.

What you don’t know never hurts you; it’s what you suspect that causes all the trouble.

A person lost in their work has probably found their future.

A good laugh & a long sleep are the two best cures for anything.

Don’t fly into a rage unless you are prepared for a rough landing.

When you give until it hurts, it makes you feel good.

Wacky Witticisms
Wacky Witticisms

Wacky Witticisms

Wacky Witticisms

The measure of life is not its duration, but its donation.

Kind words cost little, yet they accomplish much.

There’s plenty of room at the top – there’s just no room to sit down.

You will never make a dream come true by oversleeping.

Personality can open doors, but only character can keep them open.

Laugh at yourself first before anyone else can.

The best safety device in a car is a rear view mirror with a cop in it.

People who know what they’re talking about spoil some of the best arguments.

People sometimes forget that only a rat can win a rat race.

Life is like a penis – simple, relaxed and hanging free. It’s women that make it hard. 

Wacky Witticisms
Cape Comedy

Cape Comedy

Cape Comedy

You know you’re a redneck when……

You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

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